I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to
be who I really am.
I’m going to figure out what that is.
– Emma Watson
Since starting the Miracle Morning and taking up Bullet Journaling again, I’ve had – I think – one of the most productive weeks so far. Of course, all the things that are on my to do list now (such as tidying, writing, reading, finishing my photo album, working out…) arguably aren’t as important as the things I will need to do when I go back to uni, but for me the main thing is that I get them done. I’ve been able to cross off most things I listed in my bullet journal and I feel pretty good about it.
I haven’t done the Miracle Morning every single day, but I’m fine with that as long as I keep my focus throughout the day. My top priorities now are eating well and working out, because I know that those two factors have the power to instantly make me feel better. They say you should love the body you have while working for the body you want – and when I put the effort in, this is somehow manageable. Growing up, I’ve never really been able to love my body and I went around comparing myself to anyone and everyone. This is not to say that I don’t do that anymore, but I try to put things in their perspective now. I love the fact that I can work out – as cliché as it sounds, there are enough people who can’t. When I was in the mountains this summer to go hiking, I started appreciating my legs just a tiny bit more. Okay, so I’m not satisfied with the way they look, but they do their job pretty well – they took me up the mountain. Down the mountain. And up again. And even when I thought that I REALLY. COULDN’T. GO. ON. they always managed to bring me back safely. So yes, maybe the girl that I saw in the gym this morning, doing exactly the same program as me, could jump higher and squat lower and take fewer breaks; maybe my legs can’t do it that long or that fast – but at least they can do it. For me it’s quite an achievement to train legs in the first place, since I am one of those dreaded people that isn’t keen on listening to the well-known saying that one should “never skip leg day”. When it comes to my workouts, I’ve been trying very hard and body-wise, I’m starting to feel a little better. I think I can be quite proud of the 3 circuit workouts, 2 arm/pull-up workouts, an hour of squash and 1 yoga session I did, after around a month and a half of not going to the gym.
Mentally it’s going okay as well. When it comes to feeling better mentally it’s always a slow process for me, and it’s going with ups and downs but the ups are outweighing the downs which is, frankly, great. A part of this is deciding that I’m not doing to do things I don’t feel like doing. Of course I also want to get out of my comfort zone, but in my day to day life, I want to listen to myself better. I’m always very fast saying “yes” to people asking me whether I want to hang out, but now I try to ask myself what I feel like doing. Do I really want to hang out with someone the day after coming back from holiday and having spent 4 weeks surrounded by people? Hm, maybe not. When someone asked me to hang out and I later realised the answer was, in fact, no, I spoke to her and explained that I really wanted to have fun with her soon but I just needed a day to myself first. She was very understanding and we hung out this weekend which was so much fun. I was able to enjoy things more after being on my own for a while. We went to a nearby city to browse around and the next day we went to a fashion exhibition with a collection that I wouldn’t have gone to see myself, but when I was there it was surprisingly nice to see. My friend – with a love for all things fashion, extravagant and glitter – was so happy and excited, which made it so easy for me to enjoy myself as well – her enthusiasm was definitely contagious.
After a week of doing all the things I planned on doing, there was this moment yesterday. I was sitting in my comfortable reading chair with a cosy blanket around my legs, had some piano and violin/cello music playing and a book on my lap, and I felt – sad? Of course I have experienced sadness before but this moment was different. Usually I feel really overwhelmed and at the same time really empty, but now I felt a really, weird as it may sound, wonderful kind of sad. I felt in the moment, and there, and connected, and I was completely okay with experiencing those feelings of sadness. It was a kind of sad that I accepted because I knew it was just temporary and part of life and there was no use of fighting it. And maybe because I accepted it, it almost became a feeling of being happy to be sad, because it made me feel very aware of everything around me, but mostly, within me. It may not make sense at all, but to me, in that moment, it all made sense. I texted my friend and her reply was wonderfully simple and true: “It’s the beauty of being alive.”